She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
