I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
