When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
