He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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