she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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