You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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