Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
