shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
