I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize