Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
