Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Randomize
