i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
