so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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