i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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