My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The air was thick with penises
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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