two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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