Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
