Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
