So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you win again, gameday.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
