This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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