holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You ruined the universe
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
