my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
