Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
