She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
