My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
