just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
