Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Randomize
