Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
