Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
