I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
