if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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