i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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