I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Sober January is a disaster.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
