Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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