1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
