i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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