I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
