Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
