in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
