Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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