Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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