I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I will be naked everywhere
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
