Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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