i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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