my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
