why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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