She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
