omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
