so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
