coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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