I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
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