He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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