Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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