he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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