tell your sister to shave her snatch
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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