Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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