True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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