and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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