Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
accomplished twins. life is a go
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
